“People and I”
16th February 2023
People and I
I should have done more research on people. Even though it seems irrational since I am only going to write about my own experience, I still feel like I don’t know enough.
I like people, but sometimes I think that maybe more in theory. I like to talk, read, look and think about them. When it comes to socialization I am not the best. And I value my time alone more.
I think that my general issue with humans is their unpredictability. It’s hard to trust anything they say when you know that everything is temporary. It’s difficult to demand full stability when so many factors around can disturb them. Therefore sometimes I prefer my silent relationships with animals.
When I miss something, my life has a vivid filter of nostalgia that makes everything more meaningful. Longing is a creative feeling and what I usually miss is people. But I don’t need a lot to feel enough when I finally see them.
A few days ago I came back from a month-long trip visiting all my friends and family. Although I was happy, satisfied, and less anxious than when I am here alone, I haven’t moved forward in any direction. It was nice and impossible to continue.
I visited my friend’s family after two years of absence. I used to spend a lot of time with them in the past. My aunt called me to ask how was it. She was curious if I changed my opinion about them. I understand her reasons behind this question because we didn’t see each other for a long time, but I got angry.
When I thought about it more I realized that I don’t recognize a situation when I just change my mind about a friend. I did make many mistakes reading people and very often my first impressions were wrong but I’ve never abandoned any relationship because I suddenly didn’t like something. When I start it, I know more or less who are these people. Of course, they can seriously piss me off or make something very disappointing. But after all, I never assumed that they are flawless. I can get angry and think that I cannot continue this way but in the end, the option I choose is forgiveness.
Here I finally recognize what I meant by more research. It would be better to write a text like this on a deathbed. Although I don’t know when it is coming. Maybe someday I will have a situation when I need to let someone go, but I don’t know it yet. Other people are often the source of the most unexpected and surprising experiences.
During the day of Christmas Eve, the television in my house was on. I noticed that on almost every channel, people were talking about the topics you shouldn’t start and the questions you shouldn’t ask while celebrating Christmas. To keep the balance I started to think about the topics we can and want to talk about. I asked my family what they would like to discuss during the festive dinner. Unfortunately, only my dad gave me a constructive answer: "cars”.
The next day I found out a new interest and I started asking if they have friends. I took up a role of a little girl repeating the same annoying question until all of the answers were collected. Some of the guests didn’t know how to answer, which made them uncomfortable (which is what the television told me not to do). But I found out that the rumor that all friendships can easily die when you have your own family is probably true.
The friend I visited has a fifteen-year-old sister. The last time we met she was twelve. During this age, the change she is experiencing can be overwhelming and now, she could really appear as a different person. Luckily she wasn’t and our relationship was still like it used to be.
I didn’t have so much luck with my brother. When I moved out of the house he was thirteen. We used to be close then, but now he is going to be twenty-three and at some level, he is a stranger to me. We didn’t participate in each other's maturation and somewhere on the way we lost most of our common points. Maybe it’s the highest price I paid for my “vivid filter of nostalgia”.